Girl's Daddy

I know you have heard the term - "Daddy's Girl". Tonight I made the comment that my dad was meant to be a Girl's Daddy. He was meant to have daughters. I know there are dads out there that don't quite know what to do with daughters. I don't blame them. We are EXTREMELY complicated and confusing. However, my dad was a great "Girl's Daddy".

Halloween - What am I supposed to be?

I think after you lose a parent, you start to think about what kind of parent they were, what kind of parent you will be, and what kind of parent your spouse will be. I know Daniel and I are having more conversations along this line.

This is a short list of things my dad did or said that I want to remember to do with my daughters.

My dad was extremely affectionate. The picture on my IPhone right now is of me and my dad kissing at my wedding. Julie, my cousin/photographer, caught it on camera. One of my friends saw it and thought it was strange that I kissed my dad on the lips. I have always kissed my dad on the lips. I thought it was strange that she DIDN'T kiss her dad on the lips. I want to always hug/kiss my kids because it's what I know.

I could pretty much talk to my dad about EVERYTHING. I usually did talk to him about everything. I was open, honest, and asked many questions. He was really good at answering them. I want to be a listener.

I found some tapes at my dad's house of some conversations we had when we were younger. We made a few tapes of us singing, etc. This particular tape was a conversation we had when he called us during my parent's divorce. It SUMS it all up. Here is the transcript. Michelle is 9, I am 4, and Ashley is 2.

Michelle (M): Hello
Dad (D): Michelle?
M: Yeah!
D: It's Daddy.
M: Oh, hi!
D: How are you doing?
M: I'm alright.
D: Your school program is tomorrow night, isn't it?
M: Yeah.
D: I just wanted to tell you that I'll be thinking about you tomorrow night.
M: Okay.
D: I sure wish I could be there, but I sure am going to be proud of you tomorrow night. When you are up there singing those songs, you think about Daddy out there grinning in that audience.
M: I will. I'm hoping Mom will take the camera so you can have some pictures of it.
D: Okay. You tell Grandmom and Grandpop I appreciate them coming.
M: I will.
D: Are the other girls in bed?
M: No, do you want to say hi?
D: Please.   Hey...
M: Huh?
D: I love you.
M: I love you to. Girls - It's Dad.
Amanda (Am): Hello.
D: Hello.
Am: Hi Daddy!
D: How's my pretty girl?
Am: I want to tell you something.
D: Okay.
Am: For Easter, I'm going to get you an Easter card and just a little something. It's gonna be from me.
D: That's great. I'll be looking forward to getting something from you. And hey...
Am: What?
D: I love you.
Am: I love you to.
D: More than all the world.
Am: I love you to.
D: And I'm so proud of you. You're such a good girl for Daddy and Daddy is so proud of that. He has such a pretty girl, such a smart girl, and such a good girl.
Am: You know what? I'm also gonna get some Easter eggs and an Easter basket and put stuff in it and put stickers in it.
D: Hm Hmm
Am: I'm going to buy you one of those. They are at Gerland's.
D: Okay. I love you baby doll.
Am: Okay.
D: And I will see you this weekend. Okay?
Am: Okay.
D: You pray for Daddy tonight will you?
Am: Yeah.
D: You say your prayers.
Am: And I'm also going to pray for Aunt Janis.
D: Okay. Can I talk to Ashley now?
Am: (Ashley making noises in the background) Ashley - Be quiet, I can't even hear.
I love you.
D: I love you.
Am: I got three tooths loose.
D: You did?
Am: Uh huh.
D: Well great! That's good. I love you baby.
Am: I love you too.
D: You pray for Daddy tonight.
Am: Okay. Goodbye.
D: Bye Bye.
Ashley (A): Daddy!
D: Hi! I love you!
A: Um - you know what?
D: What? You love me?
A: Do you want me to give you some suckers?
D: Yeah.
A: Tonight is Grandmom and Grandmom's house.
D: Yeah, you are going to see Grandmom and Grandpop tomorrow.
A: My uncle, my uncle is going to have a baby.
D: Uh-huh, I love you.
A: Did you see my uncle having a baby?
D: Yeah, Aunt Janis is going to have a baby.
A: Do you know?
D: Uh-huh. We'll see her this weekend.
A: I don't get to come with you tomorrow. Today I will.
D: Okay. I love you.
A: I love you to.
D: Hey.
A: I need to tell you one more thing. (Bunch of gibberish)
D: You pray for Daddy tonight.
A: Yeah, I'll pray for you. I'll pray for Jesus and for God.
D: Okay. You tell Jesus that you love Daddy.
Ashley drops the phone.
Michelle picks up.
M: Okay. Ashley says she didn't say goodbye, so goodbye for her.
D: I just needed to be cheered up tonight and ya'll sure cheered me up.
Goodbye.
M: I love you!
D: I love you sweetheart!
M: Goodbye.
D: Bye Bye.

I want to remember to ALWAYS tell my daughter how much I love her, how pretty she it, how smart she is, how proud and I am, and talk about prayers, God, and Jesus all the time. How cool is that?

I will ALWAYS love you this much!

How Great is Our God?

I'm writing this post right now. I'm not sure if I will end up publishing it, but it helps me to write it.

My dad died on December 12, 2010. It feels strange to type that out. My dad has always suffered from many health issues. He is diabetic, had triple bypass surgery, had a stroke, and various other issues. In October, his sugar kept dropping and he passed out twice. Both times, the ambulance had to be called and they had to take him to the hospital.

During one of those falls, he chipped one of the vertebrae in his back. It caused him extreme pain and he was scheduled for a routine surgury on December 10, 2010. This surgery would take some bone from his hip and fuse the bone in his back. (I don't know all of the lingo.) Most of the weekend, he was sleeping and on pain meds. On Sunday morning, his breathing became shallow and then he stopped breathing. The doctors worked for a while to revive him, but had no success.

There are really no words I can possibly use to describe losing my daddy. I have tried to sympathize with those I have known who have lost a parent, but I now realize that I really had no idea. I also have decided that no one will be able to understand how I feel because no one else has ever lost a parent at the exact age, in the exact way, and in the exact circumstance that I lost my dad. Only I will ever know and be able to understand what I feel right now.

I feel a little bit lost right now. I feel all over the place with every emotion you can possibly describe.

I feel sad for many obvious reasons.
I am sad for some not-so obvious reasons.
I feel grateful for the time I had with my dad.
I am thankful for my sisters.
I am grieving for the time I have lost with my dad.
I am ANGRY! ANGRY! ANGRY!
I want to hug my dad again. My dad gave the best hugs.
I am so thankful for an amazing husband who has said all the right things. I have pushed Daniel away and immediately wanted him back. He has been a rock.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I feel guilty for doing normal things.
Normal things don't feel normal anymore.
Will I be able to take a deep breath again?

How Great is our God? How great that I can feel all of these things? If I didn't, then I would never have known the love I feel for my dad.

I have always thought the purpose and reason God gave us the innate desire to have kids of our own is to understand his true love for us. It is through our own children that we can even come close to understanding the love our Father has lavished on us. Only because of our own children can we truly understand the love and forgiveness our Father has given us. I LOVE that.

My dad understood that. He loved us like I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I now have my very own personal angel. I can talk to my Heavenly Father and my earthly Father at the same time and they both will be listening and understanding. I like the idea of that.

I am blessed to say I had a daddy. He was funny, serious, smart, loving, funny, complimentary, funny, thoughtful, simple, easy, funny, and wonderful.

The words to the song, How Great Is Our God, keep running through my head. How Great is our God that I can continue to think, feel, and love my dad?

The splendor of a King,
clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
and darkness tries to hide
it trembles at his voice,
trembles at his voice

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God, 
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see 
How great
How great is our God

VERSE(2):
And age to age He stands
and time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End, 
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
the Lion and the Lamb,
the Lion and the Lamb

CHORUS: 
How great is our God, 
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, 
How great is our God